I Tried to Vape the Internet

Reading the internet wasn't enough. I needed to smoke it.

Earlier this month, a guy with the username Jimmer Fredette posted a photo of a vape on Twitter that looked so bizarre a lot of people thought it was Photoshopped: the chunky square pink vape had a screen that showed icons for X, Whatsapp, Facebook, and WeChat. “No way we got twitter on my vape,” Fredette wrote.

From there, the Twitter vape became its own meme format, with people editing other stuff onto the screen (even though, spoiler alert, you can’t actually freely surf the internet from this thing). Imagine if you will, finding your next home on Zillow through your vape. 

I don’t personally vape or smoke cigarettes habitually, but I do absorb an unhealthy level of social media content every day. We have come a long way from the much-maligned Juul, which looks quaint and archaic next to these vapes with touch screens and internet access. I had to have it. 

I went to the replies and found someone had blessedly provided the link to where I could buy my own: a link to a listing on a site called General Vape for the “Swype Vape 30K Puffs Touch Screen Disposable.” This thing is a “revolutionary vaping device that goes beyond just delivering exceptional flavor and vapor,” the product description proclaims. “With an impressive 30,000 puff capacity and an array of advanced features, the Swype 30K is designed to keep you connected and entertained while providing a premium vaping experience.” I am absolutely entertained.

When I went to choose my internet vapor flavor, most of the varieties were sold out, including “Fucking Fab,” “Juicy Peach,” and “Violent Rainbow.” I settled for Watermelon Ice. The product page says SWYPES contain five percent (50mg) nicotine “for a satisfying hit.” I took a very cautious sip, and it fried my sinuses. Tasted pretty good though.

Setting up the SWYPE was kind of clumsy. It involved downloading an app called WearinOS, by XiZi (Shenzen) Communication Technology Co, Ltd, and connected to my phone through Bluetooth. The app itself is in translated English, and seems to be made for connecting to smartwatches. On the app from my phone, I can set different wallpapers for the vape screen, see my workout progress, check the weather and altitude, and tweak basic settings like notifications.

On the vape itself, I can play two games—a Space Invaders-style shooter and the puzzle game 2048, which shows a gray grid and doesn’t work. There’s also a calculator, a weather app, and a “find my phone” option that sends a ring to my phone. I can dial a number to make calls, which transfers to my phone. 

Sadly, I can’t exactly scroll Twitter or send messages through my cute pink SWYPE. It works more like a basic smartwatch from five years ago than a standalone device. While connected via Bluetooth to my phone, it displays whatever push notifications may arrive—including from Twitter, yes, but also Signal and any other app that sends text-based content. There’s no way to browse the internet from the vape itself, or at least no way that I could find. The photo Fredette posted of the list of apps is just options for viewing individual apps’ notifications. 

I could see this being useful if you’re keeping your phone in your bag or pocket and clutching only a vape throughout the day, but if I stray too far from my phone it’s just a vape again. 

As WIRED recently reported, the recent influx of “smart” vapes we’re seeing lately is a result of competition among vape producers in China in a battle to own the American market, and a lack of enforcement from the U.S. government, which has technically banned nearly all of these vapes. So they developed vapes that were “more affordable, better designed, and delivered higher doses of nicotine compared to their predecessors,” Louise Matsakis wrote. 

According to USPS tracking history for my own vape, General Vape shipped it from Elk Grove, Illinois. I asked the company where it’s sourcing products from, and will update if they reply. The vape arrived in just three days. 

Even so, being able to take a fat rip off a device that’s also tracking my steps and texts is pretty sick. If I wasn’t addicted to screens before, I am on my way now.

About the author

Sam Cole is writing from the far reaches of the internet, about sexuality, the adult industry, online culture, and AI. She's the author of How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex.

More from Samantha Cole